This article has been updated and is an adaptation from a chapter in 18 Weeks to a Healthier, Happier, More Purposeful Life. This unique book was written by Lacy Ngo, a dietitian nationally recognized as a top expert in faith-based mindfulness and evidence-based nutrition. She shares the exact steps that, based on science, produce the most dramatic health and weight loss success in her book, 18 Weeks to a Healthier, Happier, More Purposeful Life. This book is like nothing you have ever seen before. It combines faith and science. Both are crucial when it comes to producing real change because real change involves the mind, body, and spirit.
Before the Desperate Prayer
“I love you, God….”were the words that randomly pop in my head…except replace the word love with hate and you get what I actually thought. I still can’t bring myself to write it out. I never said those terrible words out loud. Even the thoughts I controlled were things like, “I love you, I trust you” and any other words I thought would “convince” God to heal my 8 year old son. I thought perhaps I could say the “right” things to MAKE God listen and intervene. We are suppose to praise God in the storm, right? But what happens if one day, you don’t praise God in the storm? This is a true story about a time when I prayed a desperate prayer, and how God answered.
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The Desperate Prayer
“I am So Sorry for My Thoughts, God”
I was eating breakfast that day those awful thoughts swiftly and briefly passed through my head. As soon as those words ran through in my head, I immediately panicked and said, “I didn’t mean that, and I am so sorry God. I DO love you.” And I was telling the truth. I did truly love God. In fact, I loved God so much that it hurt. In truth, I would not have been so upset with God if I didn’t love God soooo much. You know, we get more upset when we feel like the ones we love have abandoned us. I don’t feel nearly as hurt when a stranger does something I dislike, but when a loved one disappoints me…it’s painful.
Basically, I was being a child and having a temper tantrum with my parent. If you are a parent, you have probably heard at least one of your children say, “I hate you.” I know I have heard it a couple of times. When my kids have yelled these words at me, I always knew they loved me. I knew that what my child was really saying was, ‘I am angry and in pain.’ Although I will never stop feeling guilty for thinking those words, I know that in reality I was literally a child lashing out at my parent.
More Thoughts Ran Through My Head…
Quite honestly, those thoughts in my head scared me. I started thinking, “I really don’t want to make God cross with me so I better make sure I am saying pleasing things. I mean, look at all the pain I’m already going through. What more is God going to do to me now that I had this awful thought?!?!”
Please Heal Him
You see my perfectly healthy son developed a medical condition called Bronchiectasis. We battled this illness for 2 years until the doctors decided it was time to remove a lobe of my son’s lung. This surgery would hopefully cure my son’s bronchiectasis. We had the surgery in August of 2017. September was wonderful. My son played soccer and played like he had never had bronchiectasis.
Then in October, he developed a completely unrelated disease called HSP. HSP or Henoch-Schonlein purpura is a disease involving inflammation of small blood vessels. The inflammation causes blood vessels in the skin, intestines, kidneys, and joints to start leaking. My son’s hands and feet swelled and they HURT so badly that he needed to ride in a wheel chair to get to the doctor’s office. He also had bruises all over his feet and legs, and he had to get his kidneys checked regularly.
The scariest thing for me is that this disease could last for as little as 8 weeks to as long as several YEARS, and could potentially cause permanent damage. I just felt like I couldn’t take ANOTHER several years of battling yet ANOTHER condition. My son had just gotten through one, 2 year battle, now he has to go through another?!?! Why is this happening again, I thought?!?!
What Am I Doing Wrong?
It felt like God wanted my son to have a life long condition. It seemed like God was mad at us for trying to get rid of one problem so God gave my son another disease. As if God was saying, ‘Well if you take the bronchiectasis away, then I will just give your son something else.’ I kept thinking, ‘WHAT was I doing wrong? Was God punishing us or attacking my son?’ Yet even as I lacked trust in God, God seemed to never abandon me. I kept having these “goose-bump” experiences that gave me glimmers of hope.
When my son had bronchiectasis, I felt God’s amazing, awe-inspiring love, support and presence. You can read about that awesome experience here.
I Didn’t Put my Trust in God
You would think that I would have had more faith and trust after the bronchiectasis God moment…but I didn’t.
I was so terrified again…and yet again I had another experience that gave me a glimmer of hope.
You see, the day I was so mad during breakfast wasn’t my rock bottom. I was angry, but I still had faith and hope. I still continued to pray for God’s help. It wasn’t until a few days later that I felt like I was losing my ability to cope and function.
The Desperate Prayer
That night I prayed one of the most desperate prayers I had ever prayed. My children had just fallen asleep so I crept into the hallway near them and prayed with desperation and fear. I told God how I was feeling, and I cried, telling God that the pain and stress were just too much. I was not only worried about my son’s physical health, but also his emotional health as well. My son, who had handled the first condition with resilience, had started randomly saying, “I feel sad and I don’t know why.” Well I knew why. Being sick again was taking it’s toll on him.
During this desperate prayer, I talked to God about all of this. I was raw and honest with God about how I was feeling. After I had prayed this fox hole prayer, I went into my son’s room and prayed over him while he slept.
I finally cried myself to sleep…
After the Desperate Prayer
Do you know the next morning my son’s bruises looked even worse! It was Sunday; yet another Sunday we wouldn’t make it to church. We hadn’t been to church in a month because of this painful disease.
By Sunday night, I was a wreck. I was not only angry, but I felt this shift in my faith and not in a good way. Feeling hopeless, I texted my friend. I told her I don’t think asking God for help does anything so I am going to quit asking.
I still loved God, but I didn’t think God was going to help us. Although, I had given up on God for help, God had not given up on me.
God Can Find Ways to Speak to Us
That faithful night I had pleaded to God to listen and answer me, and yet at the same time I didn’t make it easy for God to speak to me. Remember, I hadn’t been to church in a month due to this disease. I also had finished my devotional about 2 months earlier and hadn’t picked out another one yet. In the past, when I was going through something, either a sermon, a devotional or a Bible verse seemed to somehow speak about exactly what I was going through. In other words, when I was actively seeking God, God always seemed to communicate.
But I currently wasn’t reading or listening to anything about God…until that Tuesday.
A Little Background
A while back I had purchased these conversation starter cards as a Christmas present for my children. I always give my children a Christmas present around Thanksgiving. The gift usually has Christmas pjs, a Christmas movie, or Christmas books that the kids can enjoy during the season. I figure, if you wait until Christmas to give these kinds of gifts then they won’t get to enjoy them during the Christmas season.
I planned on putting these conversation cards into this Thanksgiving/Christmas present. One pack was called the The Art of Children’s Conversation
God Does Listen and Answer Our Desperate Prayers
On Tuesday these Christian conversation cards came in the mail. My son was stuck in bed so I decided to give this Thanksgiving present a little early. We opened the present that Tuesday night. We decided to try one of the Christian conversation cards right away.
The first cards we grabbed said, “Have you ever prayed a foxhole prayer like the one Jonah prayed in Jonah 2:1?”
Although I had heard the term before, I decided to look up the actual definition of fox hole prayer. This is what I read: A fox hole prayer is a prayer you pray in utter desperation and fear like soldiers have prayed in the fox hole during war.
I was speechless! ‘What?!?! I just prayed this fox hole prayer, and I am currently struggling with the results of THIS desperate prayer. Because I felt like God was not answering my fox hole prayer, my doubts and fears were overwhelming me!’
Then my next thought was, ‘I wonder what the fox hole prayer was in Jonah 2:1.?”
I frantically looked up Jonah 2:1 which read, “From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said: In my distress I called to the Lord and He answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and You listened to my cry.”
I can barely describe what I was feeling when I read those words, but the first words that comes to mind is utter relief.
Let Me Just Recap for a Moment.
I prayed a fox hole prayer and “in my distress I called to the Lord.” By Sunday night I had decided God wouldn’t answer me. Then the next Bible verse I randomly read was about how God listened and answered Jonah’s distressed “fox hole prayer!”
I was humbled, ashamed, relieved, and encouraged all at once. I doubted that God would answer my fox hole prayer and then I felt like God said, “I will answer and I am answering your fox hole prayer.”
How could it be that the first scripture I had looked up in a month was THIS!
Even When I Fail, God Doesn’t Leave Me
God shows me over and over…and over that God is listening and answering. How quickly I doubt over and over..and over. You know what amazes me the most? God stays by my side even when I don’t deserve it, and God continues to show me love and devotion. God continues to guide me and comfort me no matter how many times I fail. What a comfort to know that whether I say the right things or wrong things, God still loves and leads. Whether I trust God or doubt, God is still comforting me. Again, I go back to the parent/child relationship. Even when our children mess up, we continue to love, comfort, and help our children. Looks like God really does do the same for us.
When my son was first diagnosed with HSP, I tried to pray the “right” things to MAKE God love me, listen to me, and help me. Turns out, even when I said the wrong things, I couldn’t MAKE God STOP loving me, listening to me, or helping me.
Whew, what a relief because although I will continue to try to do what God wants, I KNOW I will continue to fail over and over. I will be selfish sometimes; I will lack trust sometimes; and I will be quick to anger sometimes. And sometimes… I won’t praise God in the storm, but GOD IS CONSTANT.
Update: My son’s HSP has been in remission for 5 months now. Many times HSP never comes back.
About Mindfulness in Faith and Food, LLC
Mindfulness in Faith and Food, LLC focuses on how to live your healthiest, happiest, most meaningful life through faith-based mindfulness and evidence-based nutrition.
Several branches fall under the Mindfulness in Faith and Food, LLC umbrella. One is Mindful Vending, which is one of the few dietitian owned and operated vending companies in the nation! Ngo is also the author of several books including Faith, Mindfulness, & Nutrition, Mindfulness in Faith and Freezer Meals and The Nourishing Meal Builder. You can also find evidence-based nutrition articles, recipes, convenient healthy snack lists, inspiring faith stories, and faith-based mindfulness techniques on her blog, Mindfulness in Faith and Food.
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